Like many parents preparing to get a divorce, one question weighs heavily on your mind—How can I help my child or children get through my divorce without any harmful effects on their health and well-being?
You’ve already heard about all the negative side effects children of divorced parents can develop—depression, failure in school, delinquent behavior, premature sexually active behavior, etc.—and desperately want to go through your divorce without your children falling into these situations. You just aren’t sure how.
Below are 5 ways to help your children understand and get through your divorce without the feared consequences.
1. Create a conflict free pre-divorce environment.
The single most important factor determining how well your children will get through a divorce is now thought to be the environment in the home before the divorce. Excessive arguing between parents, depression, blame pointing, etc., before the divorce can hurt your child’s ability to cope with divorce even before the decision to divorce has been made.
To improve your children’s ability to cope with divorce, work on improving the environment in your home. Take arguments and fighting with your spouse to a place where your children cannot see or hear them. Especially don’t fight about your children in front of your children. When you fight about your children in front of them, they assume it is their fault and desperately want to remedy the situation.
2. Present your divorce as a united and loving front.
Don’t play the blame game with your partner in front of your children. Plan this conversation ahead of time and present it to your children as a well-thought out, reasonable and supported decision from both you and your partner.
Ensure that your children understand that the divorce is not their fault, that you still love them, and that they will continue to receive love from both of their parents. Children fear abandonment, so reassure your child that your divorce is not an attempt to abandon them, but rather to create a healthier environment for them. Reassure them that they are still very important to you and your spouse and that you are not making this decision to hurt them.
3. Be understanding of your children’s feelings, and ensure children that they don’t need to feel okay immediately.
Feelings of shock, betrayal, grief, and hurt are often the first feelings children experience. Depending on the child, children may react to these feelings by acting out or withdrawing. Be sensitive to your children’s needs and be understanding of your child’s emotions, listen to your children and legitimize their concerns.
Don’t expect your children to feel better about a divorce within a certain time or all at the same time. Children can take up to two years or longer to adjust to a divorce. Be prepared to help your child through recovery even if their road to recovery is longer than you expected.
4. Take charge of your own emotions and stresses.
Don’t play the blame game or bash on your partner in front of or with your children. Doing this forces your children to feel as though they need to pick sides, when that is not the case.
You will need emotional support, just as your children do, to get through your divorce. However, this support cannot come from your children. Even if you have grown children who you think can handle it, they can’t and you still need to find outside support. Find friends and family who you can lean on for support so that you can be a strong basis of support for your children.
5. Focus on the Positive.
Let you children know that your family isn’t the only one going through a divorce. Explain to them that others are going through the same thing, and that others have come through the divorce stronger people.
Children can often become closer to parents because scheduled time with children often becomes planned and more meaningful. Children can also have twice the support if parents remarry.
Take your divorce as an opportunity for you to focus on your relationships with your kids. Stay involved in your children’s lives. Phone calls, letters, play dates, lunch dates, sports games, performances. Create a regular, predictable, consistent, and conflict free schedule where both parent continue to be a part of your children’s lives.
For more advice and help with your divorce, contact David Knecht at DavidKnechtLaw.com.
