If you are going through a divorce, you want to avoid the mistakes and pitfalls that others have fallen prey to. In an ideal world, your ex is cooperative and willing to co-parent peacefully if children are involved. You may not be that lucky, though, and may have a controlling, cruel, or cheating ex. The following list of mindsets and behaviors to avoid applies equally, regardless of the type of ex you are dealing with, because this list will focus on you and your actions. By putting your energy into yourself, the person that you can control, you will be empowered to make the most of a tough situation.
- Don’t expect a clear-cut “win,” but expect a reasonable amount of success. A divorce by its nature is the splitting up of a family and assets, so the concept of “winner take all” almost never applies. A reasonable expectation of success is for a fair allocation of time with the children and an equitable distribution of assets. You likely invested years and love into the marriage and may wish that the legal system were set up to exact vengeance on your spouse. The court can’t give you back those years or sacrifices, and focusing on revenge will only allow your ex to steal more time and energy from your life. Talk to your attorney about how a judge would perceive your circumstances and set achievable divorce goals.
- Don’t fake the numbers. In California, you will disclose assets, income, liabilities, debts, etc. Don’t mislead or fudge these numbers. The court has discretion to award the other party a greater amount if you are intentionally dishonest in the information that you provide. Your answers will likely be carefully scrutinized by your ex and their attorney, so make sure that you provide accurate information.
- Don’t count out mediation. You may want to have your day in court, but don’t let visions of tv legal drama playing out in the court room prevent you from making the decision to pursue mediation. Although mediation might not be the glamourous court hearing you were envisioning, it can often be a much more cost-effective and time-effective way of resolving issues in the divorce.
- Don’t let your kids be second place. If you are creating a parenting plan, make sure that your kids and their individual needs are your first consideration. Each family is different. Consider each spouse’s ability to take children to school, lessons and activities. Think about the time in transportation. Consider the confusion and distraction your child may experience by living in two households. Many parents make the mistake of trying to make sure things are “equal” and “fair,” between the spouses, but they should also keep in mind what is best for the child. It may be that having a little less quantity of time, but more quality of time with your child might be best. It might be that sacrificing some of your scheduling preferences might help your child feel more comfortable with the arrangement. There is no single answer to this question, but make sure you evaluate your parenting plan with your children, and not yourself, at the center.
- Don’t stay stuck in the past. You rightfully feel disappointed and betrayed. You wonder why this happened to you. You think about the fights. You feel angry for the hurt and the loss. These are natural emotions that go along with a divorce, but don’t let the divorce define you. Don’t rob your happiness and future by continually replaying the past. A divorce is similar to a death of a spouse in many ways, and you have to let yourself mourn and then move on. Think about the freedom, the possibilities, the new experiences, the new people, and a new normal. Keep your thoughts disciplined to look forward to the future instead of dwelling on the past.
