Does this sound familiar? You thought being married to a narcissist was all mind games, until only to sadly realize that divorce they are worse in a divorce! The process only amps up your ex’s fervor to gaslight you, blame you and play the victim!  In a previous article, we discussed strategies to combat those tactics, and this article is part two of this exploration on how to identify the mind games narcissists play and how to fight back.

Manipulative Bargaining.

• Narcissists use manipulative tactics such as threats or emotional blackmail to gain advantage in divorce negotiations. 

• Combat this tactic by consulting with an experienced family attorney before making any decisions relating to finances, custody arrangements or settlement. Your attorney can analyze your specific circumstances to help you assess what is reasonable and what is ridiculous, and the knowledge can be very powerful in helping you avoid being manipulated. 

 Financial Abuse.

• Narcissists use money as a weapon to exert control and gain power over the other person, which can include hiding assets, depleting joint accounts, or otherwise using money against you. 

• Combat this tactic with evidence and organization. As soon as possible, and before filing if you are still contemplating a divorce, document everything. Know where every asset is. Screenshot or save evidence of where the money is located and how much is there. Consult your attorney about any specific strategies that may be used to prevent financial abuse in your situation.

  Parental alienation. 

• This game is one of the hardest to cope with, as the narcist attempts to undermine the relationship between you and your child, perhaps with lies, false accusations, or subtle behaviors to manipulate your children’s perception. 

• Combat this tactic by focusing only on you are your children, which is very, very difficult. The more you love your children, and give them your time, attention and devotion, the stronger your bond with them will be. Have confidence that will days, months and years, your love and kindness to your children will be recognized and the manipulations of your ex will be revealed to them. 

 Legal bullying and Smear Campaigns.  

• Narcissists commonly engage in legal bullying with excessive litigation for control and intimidation to harass you, drain your financial and emotional resources, and prolong the divorce. They engage in smear campaigns of false information or rumors to try to get people to turn against you or to gain advantage in the divorce. Their goal is to exhaust you into giving up. 
  • Combat this tactic with an experienced divorce attorney. If you find someone who regularly practices family law, then they will likely have forms and experience to leverage to reduce the cost and help you stay strong and fight back against legal bullying. 

 Boundary violations.

• Narcissists tend to ignore boundaries by invading your space, accessing your confidential information or attempting to control you in other ways. 

• Combat this technique with effective planning, deciding ahead of time what your boundaries are, and enforcing them. Protect your personal information with new passwords or other safeguards. Put communications in writing to create a paper trail. You may even need to arrange for third parties to be present as witnesses or protection if you anticipate that an event or an exchange will be highly confrontational.  

Contact an Experienced Divorce Attorney

Dealing with a narcissist is typically challenging, but at the Law Office of David Knecht, we have extensive experience in family and understand the tactics used by narcists to manipulate you and to try to manipulate the legal system. We will help you fight these tactics and successfully navigate the challenges of your California divorce. Contact us today at 707-451-4502. 

 

If you married a narcissist, you might think that a divorce would release you from the trap of all the mind games, but your divorce litigation might be the perfect playground for a narcissist to get under your skin. This article will summarize five strategies to successfully navigate the challenges of divorcing a narcissist.

Gaslighting

• Narcissists often distort the facts and events and distort their own behavior. 

• Combat this tactic with evidence. Save videos, texts, emails and other hard evidence that corroborate your version of the facts. 

Blameshifting

• A common tactic used by narcissists is to blame others for their own faults or for things that are beyond anyone’s control. 

• Combat this tactic by ignoring the noise. The battlegrounds of a divorce are typically children and money, and the ex-spouse’s blame for issues relating to the marriage are largely irrelevant and a tactic to try to get you to react in a way that takes away your peace or logic to fight the important battles. For this reason, an effective way to beat this game is often to tune it out. 

Victimhood. 

• If you have lived with a narcissist for very long, you are probably used to their victim mentality. They try to get sympathy or support from others by portraying themselves as innocent. 

• Combat this tactic by being confident in your own self and standing your ground with friends and family. Think through a clear, strong and short message about why you are getting a divorce and how your position is fair and stick with that short and to the point story. Do not allow the narcissist to draw you into a spiral of guilt in your own mind, or a dithering story to others. 

Triangulation. 

• A narcissist will often try to introduce a third party into the situation to gain support. This could be a family member, friend, religious leader or even one of your children. 

• Combat this tactic by gently but firmly asking the third party to stay out of the divorce. Effective communication is key to helping others understand why their input is not helpful and can actually be harmful to the resolution of your divorce. 

 Hoovering. 

• Hoovering is deliberately manipulative behavior intended to pull a person back into a cycle of abuse. This can play out with affirmations of love, excessive flattery (often known as love bombing), and promises to change. 

• Combat this tactic by becoming whole in yourself so that you do not need the narcissist’s false love. Get therapy, focus on a new hobby, dedicate more time to friends and family, or set goals for exercise. Do whatever helps you become a satisfied and complete person who is not susceptible to fake overtures of affection.

Contact an Experienced Divorce Attorney

At the Law Office of David Knecht, we understand that divorcing a narcissist can be extremely challenging emotionally and complex legally, but we will help you fight these tactics and successfully navigate the challenges of your California divorce. Contact us today at 707-451-4502. 

Whether you are in the middle or a divorce or whether it is now final, the holidays can be a difficult time for the children, and statistics have shown that divorce can be challenging for children emotionally.

This article will share strategies for how a parent can support children emotionally during the holidays to create new happy memories and traditions.

Be more generous and compromising than usual. 

• We celebrate good will during the holidays, and this provides an opportunity for you to be more compromising with your ex than usual. 

• Try to be flexible in scheduling so that the children can have contact with both parents. 

• Avoid putting children in a bind where they feel they have to be loyal to one parent or the other. 

• Cultivate a mindset of positivity during this time, so that actions from the other parent do not ruin your own mood, so that you can create positivity for your children.

• Be positive about the other parent’s gifts and events.   

Plan ahead. 

• Planning in advance is key to creating a positive holiday experience. 

• Schedule in advance so that you can prepare your children with proper expectations. 

• Work with the other parent on the gifts so that there are not duplicates. 

• Avoid competing for gifts by perhaps coordinating with the other parent on a potential budget if the other parent is open to that idea. 

Communicate with your children. 

• Communication is key with children of all ages. 

• Discuss with your children some of their hopes or goals for the holidays. 

• Include your children in the planning. 

• Brainstorm ideas with your children on how to think of others during the holiday season. 

• Perhaps even help your children plan a gift for the other parent. 

Contact an Experienced Divorce Attorney

At the Law Office of David Knecht, we understand the challenges that divorced families face, and we can help you with any aspect of your family law case. Contact us today at 707-451-4502. 

The holidays are supposed to be a time of celebration, but they can be a challenging trigger if you are going through a divorce. There is no time of year where self-care is more important than the holiday season, and if you have children, see our companion article to this one about helping your children successfully navigate the holidays as well.

This article will suggest ideas originally shared in a post on PsychologyToday.com to help you take back the power and enjoy the season in spite of the challenges you face, and the memories that may be painful. 

Recognize your emotions and talk them out. 

• Accept your feelings and do not feel like you have to bear them alone. Find a family member, friend or therapist to listen to you and provide support. 

Make a plan and do not isolate yourself. 

• If you do not have your children, find something to do that will make you happy. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, support a charity, or donate your time or money to a cause. Devoting yourself to others and being busy in something bigger than yourself will help you heal. 

 Put your legal process aside, if possible. 

• The legal battles of a divorce can be a heavy weight, so if possible lay this burden down for the holidays and pick it back up again in January.

 

 Focus on health. 

• Taking care of your body will help you take care of your soul. Eat good foods, take a walk, dance around the living room. Avoid drowning your sorrows in alcohol, drugs or other behaviors that might temporarily numb your pain, but ultimately not give you lasting satisfaction.

 Consider your purpose. 

• The holidays are a good time to reflect on family and friends and to ponder what your purpose is in life. Take time to think long term and set goals and hopes for your post-divorce life. 

Contact an Experienced Estate Divorce Attorney

Self-care is essential during the divorce litigation and after the divorce is final. At the Law Office of David Knecht, we understand the stress and concern that a divorce can bring to the parties and the families, and we want to help you successfully navigate this challenging time in your life. We have helped thousands of clients, and we want to be here for you. Contact us today at 707-451-4502. 

If divorce is in your present or near future, the legal challenges that have arisen in the divorce between Kevin Costner and Christine Baumgartner may provide helpful insight into issues that you may face in your own divorce.  This article will provide highlights from this Hollywood divorce that give insight into discovery issues, child support arguments, tactics and testimony for evidentiary hearings on child support matters. 

Kevin and Christine have discovery issues.

• See https://people.com/kevin-costner-says-he-did-not-engage-in-affair-divorce-documents-7852464

• As reported by People.com, discovery propounded by Christine demanded information from Costner on “expenses paid by you, or any person at your request or on your behalf, relating to any extramarital romantic relationships.” 

• Kevin objected that the discovery was “propounded only for the purpose of harassment, is overbroad as to time period and subject matter, burdensome, oppressive and impermissibly compound.”

• Kevin objected on the basis of relevance, with the reasoning that there was no community property.

• After making the objections, Kevin’s legal team responded that he had no responsive documents for “extramarital romantic relationships” in which he engaged, because he engaged in none. 

Christine and Kevin had a child support hearing. 

• See https://people.com/kevin-costner-estranged-wife-christine-talk-next-steps-amid-divorce-proceedings-7965587

• Christine sought $161,592 in child support, but she did not prevail and after a two-day hearing, Kevin was ordered to pay $63,209 per month. 

• Kevin offered $75,000 a month prior to the hearing, but Christine declined and wanted the judge to decide.  

Both Kevin and Christine testified at the evidentiary hearing about child support.

• See https://www.msn.com/en-us/movies/celebrity/kevin-costners-estranged-wife-christine-avoids-looking-at-actor-as-he-takes-stand-in-child-support-hearing/ar-AA1g7cH8

• Christine’s attorney argued that the lifestyle the three children have grown accustomed to “is in their DNA at this point.”

• Christine explained how a decrease in financial status would affect their kids because the ocean is their home and the surf garage at Kevin’s home is 50 steps from “toes in the water.”

• Kevin testified that while he would not want to live in the $40,000 a month property that Christine is currently rented, he explained that it was not because it wasn’t comparable to his home, but because he raised three children in his home and “their hands are in the stone.”

Contact an Experienced California Divorce Attorney

Divorce can be challenging for the parties and children involved, but having an experienced divorce attorney by your side can help reduce your anxieties and give you confidence that you will not be taken advantage of by the person you once trusted, your former spouse. At the Law Office of David Knecht, we are here to help you! We understand the mental and financial challenges that you will face, and we will use our extensive experience with family law to help support you and walk you through the legal challenges. Contact us today at 707-451-4502. 

Many couples create frozen embryos either before or during marriage, and then upon divorce issues can arise. This article will discuss the high profile California embryo dispute between Modern Family star, Sofia Vergara and her ex-fiancé and then summarize some best practices to follow if you are thinking of creating embryos. 

Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb – California court upholds contract. 

• See https://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/sofia-vergaras-favor-frozen-embryo-lawsuit/2519380/

• Modern Family star, Sofia Vergara and her ex-fiancé created embryos prior to their break up in 2014. 

• In 2016, Vergara sued Loeb seeking a court order that any attempts to bring the embryo to life would be a breach of their contract.

• Vergara and Loeb created an embryo disposition contract in 2013, where a party seeking to use the embryo needed the other’s written consent. 

• In a seeming effort to gain a jurisdictional advantage, Loeb sued Vergara in Louisiana, where destruction of embryos is prohibited by statute but the case in Louisiana was dismissed. 

• Loeb’s lawyers argued that the contract was a “form directive” that is void and against public policy because it does not comply with California law since it lacks a provision dealing with what happens in case of divorce or separation. 

• Loeb also argued that he had a valid separate enforceable oral agreement with Vergara authorizing him to have the embryos implanted in a surrogate, and he argued the contract was invalid for duress because she had yelled at him prior to the contract execution.

• The court made a judicial determination that the form directive entered by the parties was a valid enforceable contract and rejected Loeb’s arguments, so Vergara won the case. 

Best practices for protecting your interests when creating embryos. 

• First, know that the law relating to embryos is still in flux, as many of the embryo cases in California and throughout the country are scare and new. For this reason, there are no hard and fast rules for protecting your interests with regard to embryos, but this article will suggest ideas that are supported by cases in California and throughout the U.S. 

• A contract with the any parties involved in writing that clearly defines all possible scenarios and the agreed upon outcome may help protect your interest.

• Each party to the contract should be represented by their own attorney. 

• Consider not only the people creating the embryos, but also any egg donors or sperm donors that may be involved. 

• Think through who will be paying for creation and storage fees and any financial terms that should be included relating to money. 

• Generally, embryos cannot be sold, so consider the market value of the embryo as zero. However, embryos can be donated, and costs can be involved in donation, such as legal fees, medical facility transfer fees, family match fees through agencies, etc.)

Contact an Experienced California Divorce Attorney

If you are considering creating embryos or if you are divorcing and need help fighting for your interests relating to embryos, contact us at the Law Office of David Knecht. We have  extensive experience with family law to help support you and walk you through the legal issues relating to embryos or any other divorce or family law issue. Contact us today at 707-451-4502.